Sample College Admission Essay: Future Goals - Continued

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COMMENTS:

The dialogues that open this essay immediately set it apart from the usual personal statements. An admissions officer who has been dulled by the ninety-ninth consecutive narrative beginning with the word ‘‘I’’ is likely to be revived by this essay’s unconventional opening. The writer has a good ear for human speech and neatly distinguishes the two exchanges through the gestures and tones of voice of the people she encounters.

This early sign that the writer writes well is borne out by the clarity and directness of all the sentences that follow, by the amusing aside about the limited benefits of being 17, and by her return at the end of the essay to its starting point—the residents of the Lawrence projects.

The essay also makes it clear that the writer thinks well. She does not simply have experiences; she considers what her experiences mean. Her work in the voter-registration drive prompts her reflections on a number of related topics: the attitude toward government of the project residents; the difference between the interest-group politics of the elderly and of the poor; her own political aspirations; the difficult relationship between personal integrity and political effectiveness; and the differences between elective and grassroots politics. That the writer can present all these thoughts in the space of four short paragraphs indicates how tightly constructed the essay is.

The piece’s principal strength is the writer’s candor. Some students might hesitate to express their liberal political convictions for fear of offending a conservative reader. Some might pretend to be certain about their career plans or fear that uncertainty might be interpreted as a lack of seriousness. Unlike these risk-averse students, this writer honored the request that all colleges make, in one form or another: Tell us who you are so that we will get to know the person behind the facts and figures of the rest of your application. By refusing to pretend to be anyone other than who she is, this student produced a successful essay.