Sample College Admission Essay: Influential Person - Continued

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Sample College Admissions Essay One
Sample College Admissions Essay two

What once were tears of fright and frustration turned to tears of sorrow when I graduated from fifth grade. For graduation Mrs. Stith gave me a special gift—a copy of A Day No Pigs Would Die. She wrote on the back cover: “I loved this book. I hope you will too. You are an outstanding girl. Best of luck always. Love, Mrs. Stith.” Mrs. Stith retired that year and I never saw my friend again.

COMMENTS:

This essay grips the reader from the outset, as the writer employs a simile in the opening statement to make her point: “I felt like a cadet at West Point that first week of fifth grade.” The writer does a good job of sprinkling that image throughout the essay, providing thematic coherence. The conflict posed is one of challenge: a tough teacher who expects more from her students than they have been used to. What is most effective is the language the writer uses, showing the reader exactly how she felt at that young age: “My mouth gaped at the sight of endless reading packets and workbook pages.”

The applicant can be categorized as an “overachiever” (“I had always been the teacher’s pet.”) who also feels she must push himself based upon his brother’s past scholastic successes. Mrs. Stith, however, challenges this overachiever to push herself even harder: “I wanted to be as studious and intelligent as Christopher.” The writer employs a skilled transition between Paragraphs 8 and 9 (“That year marked the beginning of my battle with the nerd syndrome. Fifth grade helped establish my reputation as a brain.”). The resolution is expected, with the student rising to his teacher’s challenge, but the success in this piece lies in the execution—not the originality of the topic.