Sentence Variety - Continued

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Sentence Variety | Word Choice | Verbs | Transitions | Essay Clichés

Simplifying

The first step in simplifying is to identify what needs to be fixed. The problem usually comes from trying to cram too many points into one sentence and using too many auxiliary clauses. Consider the following two sets of examples:

Before:

To this program I will bring a determined spirit, coupled with a strong background in research and volunteer work, which I pursued with energy and a focus on the future that grows ever closer to being within reach.

After:

I have pursued all my research and volunteer work with relentless energy and clear focus. To this program I will bring the same sense of determination that has made my once distant goals now close within my reach.

The total word count remains the same, but the ideas are now much clearer and more fully fleshed out.

Before:

Having long been interested in a career in social work, which will allow to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice, I now feel that I have accumulated the necessary experience and education to begin a formal pursuit in this field, with ABC college offering the best curriculum for my needs.

After:

A career in social work will allow me to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice. Having accumulated the necessary experience and education, I now look forward to pursuing my long-held interest at ABC college, which offers the best curriculum for my needs.

Oversimplified:

A career in social work will allow me to combine my analytical thinking skills with the pursuit of social justice. I have accumulated the necessary experience and education. I now look forward to pursuing my long-held interest at ABC college. ABC college offers the best curriculum for my needs.

Continued

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